Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
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I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 馃檨
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Welcome to Insults 携 Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Delivering eulogy at o鈥檖ossum鈥檚 funeral: Before I start I鈥檇 like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that鈥檚 so swee…
7: You鈥檙e like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.