Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
You Might Also Like
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo: