Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
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[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.