Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
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Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Saturday
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search