[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
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Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
These aliens are taking forever.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.