Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
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Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
peeping toms
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”