Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
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A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun