[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
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WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most