@osno13: Are all females on twitter moms? Is my mom here? Mom? You there doin drunk tweets?
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@hazelmotes1: Me: my best friend is my wife Everyone: awwww My Best Friend Carl: FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT YOUR WIFE
@flashember: [Worm sitting alone] WAITER: Dinner for 1? Dumb question W: But- *worm cuts self in half* *waiter shrieks* 2nd WORM: I'll have the prime rib
@PostCultRev: DATING PROFILE: I'm looking for a partner in crime FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor