Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
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Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*