People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
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Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
mariah carrie
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Sign at work today
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.