Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
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It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Sing it!
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
watergate? u mean a dam??
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.