Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
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I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.