Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
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If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
i prefer mine room temperature.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
me after drinking all the wine:
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
They got a point!
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU