finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
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Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
“Sheer Arrogance”
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks