@NYC_Blonde: Are babies like tamagotchis? Like, will my friend take care of it if I forget it at her house?
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@yerpalmildsauce: Me: If that baby won't stop crying I'm walking out & going to another restaurant. Gf: You used to do that too. Me: that was months ago.
@AthenaMystique: *texts god* Me: yo, can we add "being a grammar nazi" to the list of sins? Their annoying. God: *they're
@NoogsCorner: Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it's owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
@NicestHippo: BEAR JUDGE: Counsel, this is your last warning, you cannot-- LAWYER: *plays dead* BEAR JUDGE: Where did he go