I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
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[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”