Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
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TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Not all heroes wear capes…
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably