@lovemydogduck: Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I've already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
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@kelkulus: Pretty sure that "Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory" is the kid's version of "Saw".
@NewDadNotes: Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap Me: sure Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold Me: I’m not an idiot [10 minutes later]
@UnicornSyrup: Don't say you want a girl who's "funny and spontaneous" if you're gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.