Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
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Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
😩😩😩
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Ovenable?
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor: