Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
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Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
worst…sale…ever
⛄️
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.