Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
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I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
💻🤡
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!