Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
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God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better