Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
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This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you