Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
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“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Swedish for common sense.
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.