Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
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Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Just parrot things
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser