Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
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After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.