Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
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[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Woke up with morning Yule Log
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?