Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
What an awful time to have common sense.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal