@PimpBillClinton: Are Smurfs just a bunch of midget Avatars? #yeahimhigh
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@zombieparrot: Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
@dyldonot: "any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?" [I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic] HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
@jwoodham: THANKSGIVING ICEBREAKERS: (1) Obama, am I right? (2) Ebola, am I right? (3) Was his full name Bugs Bunny or was he just a bunny named Bugs?