I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
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1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
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Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries