Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
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Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Y’all know who you are.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?