Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
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Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks