The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
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Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
you will never know the true number of layers
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.