ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
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Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.