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@jtswhipped: "Are there drug dealers on Twitter?" Asking for 522 friends.
@ozzyunc: A dog made of diamonds would be everyone's best friend.
@sachinsebastian: I work 24/7 - which is about 3.42 hours.
@OtherDanOBrien: [Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It's not working. His name is Socks.
@InternetHippo: cute girl: hello
my mouth: hel—
brain: nice job buddy you’re almost there
brain: what the hell
@mjkspeaks: Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump's security team came out of nowhere to deport me.