@jtswhipped: "Are there drug dealers on Twitter?" Asking for 522 friends.
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@myles_morrison: I practiced cursive for years in elementary school & my electronic bank signature still looks like it was signed by a drunk monkey.
@jakob_huber: Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise* Velociraptor: Actually it's *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
@Midgetspar: I love everybody. Even you, insecure person reading this hoping someone loves you ... even you.
@ericsshadow: [answers phone during job interview] What's the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can't find me.