@jtswhipped: "Are there drug dealers on Twitter?" Asking for 522 friends.
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@ewfeez: [wife walks in on me rubbing coconut oil all over my body] What are you doing? "Uhh, SOMEONE said I don't glisten very well?"
@KKAlThani: Cop: you're under arrest Me: no you are *cop arrests me* Me: fine but next time it's my turn
@whostrevors: A moment of silence for the fat friend in a group of girls who can't jump high enough to be in the "mid air" beach picture :(
@Smug_Lemur: Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.