Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
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[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
was Jim off killing horses or…
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”