Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
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[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
yes yes a thousand times yes!
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither