Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
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let’s discuss
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
i think we should see other cousins
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.