I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
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me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH