@thejessbess: Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I'm definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
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@realHamOnWry: A good listener always watches you speak, makes eye contact and never lets on he's thinking about something else.
@slimmy_shady: Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
@SamSykesSwears: "If Bernie doesn't get the nom, I'm voting Trump." "Also, if McDonald's is out of chicken nuggets, I'm going to eat 20 scorpions."