@illuminatedwndr: are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
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@nbadag: DATE: so...this is your place? ME: yea...not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
@DeanOkay: Wish someone would invent a device that would allow me to speak instead of having to text back and forth 30 times to get my point across.
@LoveYoorFate: When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I've been told. Twice now.
@chimneyspotter: WAITER: How is everything? ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning W: I meant your meal M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt