are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
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“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope