“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
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“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
You know…for fall…
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
when you are just born a rebel
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”