“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
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I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.