fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
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Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Any refunds available?…
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Whoa 😂
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!