Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
You Might Also Like
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.