Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
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I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
If only.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …