Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
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fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Breaking news:
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”