*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
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[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
*orders delivery*
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Omg 🤣