[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
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an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today