are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
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(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no