are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
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*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Wake me when AI does housework
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*