Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
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my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.