@simoncholland: Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren't just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
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@Book_Krazy: [1st date] Him: We share perfect chemistry! Me: *but all I hear is the word "share" as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
@Underchilde: They don’t make microwaves the size of refrigerators because they know if you were high you’d try nuking your friends.
@Tmoney68: Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"
@drankturpentine: ME: *falling in love with my karate instructor* how about we turn this roundhouse into a roundhome? KARATE INSTRUCTOR: *roundhome kicks me in the gut*