Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
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People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Gods work.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
The Sun